worries

My girls are nearing their 2nd birthday. Next month in fact. It doesn't feel like it's been that long already...partly because they spent 3 long months in the NICU before they were ready to come home, but mostly because they are not your typical 2 year olds! They are still teeny tiny weighing only 17.5 & 18.5 lbs just barely fitting into 12 month sized infant clothing. Still riding in their rear-facing infant seats, still drinking from a bottle...I can go on and on! I know they are pretty healthy, have had relatively minor issues from their prematurity compared to some...but I just can't help but still worry about their development! I just wonder when will this end? When will I wake up and not worry about what they aren't doing? Worrying about Madelyn's sensory issues...wondering if it's autism because she doesn't speak yet. Worrying about their growth or lack there of every time we check in with our pediatrician. Their still very low immune systems. Katelyn's eyes crossing. Madelyn's paralyzed vocal cord and inability to drink thin liquids. I worried for quite a bit last year that Mady had cerebral palsy...I am seriously always worried!!! I carry most of this worry on the inside now days. It's very difficult for me to talk about it, quite frankly I don't really want to. Mostly I feel like everyone around me doesn't get it...like my worries and fears about my children's development will just get brushed off, or I'll get the typical "but they look so healthy" response. Truth is no one understands that has not lived it! I feel like talking about this makes me sound negative, and whiny! And I often feel like it sounds like complaining. And I shouldn't be complaining...they are HERE...they are such sweet little miracles!

I don't know how many times we were told that 2 was this miraculous age where they would suddenly "catch up" a phrase I have come to loathe! I had these delusions of grander that POOF all the issues related to prematurity, and all these worries that I've carried around for so long (ever since I found out they were mono-mono twins) would just disappear...and we didn't have to do all of these therapies, and frequent doctor visits, and neurological testing, and vision testing, and hearing tests, and so on and so on!!! Oh and don't even get me started about this whole fear of the looming cold and flu season! Are they still at risk for RSV? are they going to be sick all the time like last year? It seems like if there's a bad germ within a 5 block radius they will get it!

Lately though, I've really felt the need to get some of these worries out. It has been affecting my life quite negatively for too long now. A smidge of depression mixed with a hefty dose of anxiety have at many times taken control of me. I take a nice little cocktail of celexa and amitriptyline every night to help alleviate the panic attacks, and melancholyness. I also suffer from frequent migraines that I can not seem to get under control. So yeah stress and worry seem to be in control of my life right now...and I am tired. Emotionally tired. I don't cry often, or even bitch about how shitty life can be that often...but for this one time I have to let it out! I need to just whine a little...just express the constant worry that I have for my sweet girls... And pray for God to take it from me...I give this to you Lord, I want to be freed of these worries. In it's place give me more joy at what my girls CAN do...more enjoyment of being a mama to 4 beautiful children that I am so thankful for. Give me healing Lord...heal my heart of all the downs and hurts I've endured the past few years, heal the anxiety that has taken over my mind...and the migraines that cause so much pain.

I feel like this is a beginning...this blog is a way to get some of this stuff out when I need to. Or just to write about being a mom, and the silly things my kids do that make them each unique. The ups and downs of marriage. I can write about things that inspire me...like scriptures, and photos, and art, and books, and Martha frickin Stewart! This is it...the beginning of healing some of these worries & fears...or at least to face them.